Desires of My Heart

It is amazing how God works.

How He is so patient.

How He orchestrates things in my life.

How He knows right when I will be ready for the next step.

How He will do this over and over and OVER again until His hard headed, stubborn, good intentioned little girl FINALLY submits to Him and His will.

OH, HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME!

There is a shift happening in my life, in my spirit and soul right now.  I survived another storm, I almost allowed myself to drown, but I finally reached out to grab my Saviors hand and I am one by one letting go of the rocks that were dragging me down.  

The beginning of this month saw the beginning of two new studies at church. One is Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman and the other is Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  In these two studies, I am simultaneously learning what it is that following Christ truly means and what is keeping me from being able to do this. See I am a Christian, but as hard as I have been trying to be what I THOUGHT God wanted me to be, I was not being a follower of Christ. I was still trying to get it on my own. I was still compartmentalizing my life, I was still holding on to what I wanted and not allowing God to have ALL of me! It is a crazy concept. It goes against EVERYTHING our nature says, it is unknown and can seem REALLY scary. I mean what will God ask me to do? AM I really willing to give up EVERYTHING? AM I really willing to do ANYTHNG to follow Christ? What is that one thing that would be your “but that”? 

For me it is I will do ANYTHING for you Lord, but be single, I do not want to be single I do not want to be alone. So I will follow you and obey you until I feel lonely and begin to feel insecure and start to fear that you won’t allow me to be married. Then I will go out and try to figure it out for myself because:

“I don’t think you understand just how important this is to me, Lord, and you don’t seem to have any intention of allowing me to have this because I am still waiting, but I still love you and I will obey you in everything else…well most everything else…as far as anyone looking from the outside can see anyways…

So is this what God is asking of me? I do not know! I know that is what is He is calling me to right now, but forever, I do not know. I can hope and pray about it, but I HAVE to trust Him. I have to want Him and be willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING, ANYTHING for Him first.

             
There is a verse that God showed me not long after I separated from my husband and was feeling very afraid and discouraged,

 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.                                                                                  Psalm 37:4 ESV

He has been teaching me since what this really means to me in my life. The emphasis on this verse is not that God will give me what I desire, but that He will FILL me with HIS desires! HELLO! Have you ever thought about that? It is amazing how the whole meaning of a verse can change when you move the emphasis off what God can do for you, and instead put the emphasis on how you can use it to serve God!

He never promises easy, safe, or comfortable. On the contrary, trusting Him is HARD, it can sometimes be unnerving, it is not easy being patient, it is not easy learning to wait on Him, it is not easy doing things He requires of us, but He is FAITHFUL! No matter where we find ourselves if we are truly FOLLOWING Christ, we will never have to fear for our future because it is in HIM!

I am learning, have been for quite a while, and will continue to learn and fall and get up again. But see, it is not about succeeding, it is about my heart. What is my heart’s DESIRE?  If it is anything other than following Christ and loving Him with all that I am, well, then it does not matter what I have done, learned, or overcome.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God,who loved me and gave himself for me.                                                                                    Galatians 2:20

So whom are you living for? Are you giving God EVERYTHING? Are you willing to do ANYTHING?

Reality Sucks...

So the other day I made a status update that said "Reality Sucks", and yes, the reality of the world can suck...a lot. But over the weekend God really spoke to me and shared some really encouraging wisdom. Just like in everything God has created, there is not just one plane of awareness, there are THREE! I have lived in all three and boy let me tell you the third is the place to be! Here are the three that He revealed to me:

1.       Fantasy – This is the reality where we bend to the desires of our flesh, the “feel good” reality. Phrases like, “It is what I deserve” or “It feels right, so it’s okay” or “I’m not hurting anyone or myself so it is okay”.  This is Satan’s reality. He wants us to live here because he can sway and manipulate us.

There is a way that appears to be right,

but in the end it leads to death.

Proverbs 14:9

2.       Reality of the World – This is the reality of the world without God. The knowledge that there is evil and pain in the world. That life is hard and there is no security. There is right and wrong, but no hope or faith or encouragement that things will improve. It is up to each person to make things better, but it is a endless and disappointing struggle.

3.       God’s Reality – This is the best of realities! It is in this reality that we can find peace. When the worries of what ifs, whys and hows overwhelm us, it is in this reality we will find the encouragement and HOPE, and the reason to persevere. He has a plan, He knows our needs, He knows our struggles and hurts, after all He CREATED US!  He knit us together in our mother’s wombs! (Psalms 139:13)  He KNOWS US!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

So where I started out my weekend in worry and fear for the upcoming holidays, I ended it, by His grace, in peace. Knowing that He is good, He has a plan, and He is faithful.  It is not easy for me sometimes, I am a fixer, a worrier, a planner.  When I am unable to wrap my head around things or clearly see the endgame, I can forget where my focus should be.  But I am learning and growing and right now I am secure in knowing that whatever happens, God is in control and I have nothing to fear.

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

 ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace,

which exceeds anything we can understand.

His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Round the Mountain....

I am reading Deuteronomy. I feel like an Israelite lately. I am fickle and easily swayed and pulled away from God, even after all of His mighty works in my life. I seek self gratification and pleasure over God's will.  So I was reading chapter 4 of Deuteronomy last night and as I was reading I realized a few things….

1. I fall away from God when I stop reading and doing my bible studies, etc.

2. There is a pattern in my sinning. When I am starting to really get to some awesome breakthroughs and start growing in big ways, Satan attacks me like crazy and I falter. Which made me realize that God must want to use me to do some great things or else Satan wouldn't be so adamant about destroying me. He does not want me to have that kind of authority over him.

3. When I fall into my sin it makes me miserable!! For all its self-gratification and fleshly satisfaction, it makes my spirit sick, which in turn brings me back to God. This is totally cool to me because it is proof that the holy spirit truly resides in me! 

4. That I need to learn to be more aware of the spiritual world around me and guard against it. (make sure I am always covered in the armor of God) 

5. Satan needs to go to hell. 

I feel joy again. I feel peace again. 

I was told by someone that because of God’s grace and salvation sin is not about not being good enough. It is about the level of authority that God gives you and the amount of responsibility you are given. So it’s not that I should want to be good or not sin for the sake of  salvation, but in order that God will use me in greater ways. I want to be used by God. I want to reflect Him in all that I do and I haven’t done that at all lately. I am tired of being that way I am. I am tired of walking around the mountain. I want to go to the next level, I want to grow stronger and even closer to God. I want to be a vessel, not just a believer. I want to be a follower. Not just a receiver but a reflector of His amazing glory! 

I love this prayer!!!!

 

 

This is exactly where my heart is right now. I just want to enjoy closeness with God and dependence upon Him. 

Waiting For My Greater While I Become and Overcomer

I am so glad that I had a weekend full of single mom love.  I always come away from any Arise Ministries event having grown in some way.  As you know from my previous post I have fully committed my heart and my relationship status to my heavenly fiancé until He is ready to hand it over to His earthly counterpart here on earth.  I still have so much peace about the place I am in now.  Friday night Ms. Alice Richardson gave the most AMAZING sermon (really it was, I mean the woman PREACHED it!) about waiting for God’s greater for our lives and not settling for anything less. It was such a great confirmation and reinforcement of what God has been teaching me!

 

 Then the beautiful Ms. Pam Kanaly spoke about making sure that we allow God to fortify us and give us peace and joy in our singleness.  We are OVERCOMERS!  I sometimes forget to allow Jesus to be my champion and start to feel defeated because I feel like I am losing the battle! The truth of it is it is not my battle to fight and, in fact, My Lord has already won it! I had been very anxious, worried and upset about my son’s father coming back into the picture over the last couple of weeks.  It had been almost a year since he had seen him and now he decided he was going to cooperate and start scheduling visitations again.  I spent a lot of time crying and dwelling upon it in such unhealthy ways! I was taking back a burden that I had already given to God! I was allowing Satan to have ALL KINDS of access to my thoughts.  After listening to Pam’s lessons something clicked! She reminded us not to allow those negative thoughts in but instead to focus on the good and the blessings! Although she was referring mostly to the holidays, it was just what I needed! On the way home that night I started praying the word of God over the situation and my thoughts. I covered myself with the Armor of Salvation and rebuked Satan and all of his lies. I felt an instant peace and have not felt that fear again since.

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ⁶ And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

                                                                                2 Corinthians 10:4-6

If you do not pray the Word over yourself and your family, I would HIGHLY recommend you try it. It makes a world of difference. The bible says, “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12. 

The other break-through I had this weekend was that I realized that I have not truly forgiven my ex-husband. I have forgiven myself, I have not allowed him to hurt me further, but I have not truly forgiven him. I thought I had, but God has convicted me and I now realize that I have not.  This is my next journey, and I think it may just be the hardest one yet…even harder than finding my way back to purity. Please keep me in your prayers as God leads me through this time of uprooting and healing.

I Love God The Most...

Many of you may have read my earlier post, God Loves Me Most. I would love to say that the events and lessons I chronicled in that entry were the beginning and end of that struggle and the beginning of my new journey in purity. But, alas, they were not. I was able to live it out for awhile, but over this summer I made several poor choices and rode what I like to call "The Pinball Machine of Relationships".  I bounced back and forth from one relationship to another, I was sexually active, I was promiscuous, I was making REALLY BAD CHOICES and I allowed my heart to be trampled yet again. There are a few things that I finally happened that changed my trajectory.

First, I decided to bow out of the CR study that I had been doing since the first of the year and went back to the Women's Bible Study on Wednesday nights at church. I have nothing against CR. It did help me in many ways. I would recommend it to anyone who is hurting or needs to work through issues or injury.  For me that season ended and I felt that God really wanted me to be with the ladies that He had chosen for me as mentors and friends, they are all older than me, wiser than me and teach me what it means to be a Godly woman. 

 

Secondly, I was asked to be on the Women's Ministry Council.  This was an answer to prayer and a great honor for me.  I long to be more involved in the church, to be able to minister and serve others and this was my opportunity! But one of the things that the leadership in our church is called to do is "Lead by Example" and to strive to "Live a Life of Purity.  OUCH! Well I prayed about it and God really started getting into me and convicting me and revealing the lies that I had used to justify my actions.  He also started reminding me of His amazing love for me. I cut off contact with all of the guys I had any communication with and deleted all of my online dating accounts. I want to be an example of a Godly single mom, one that trusts in the Lord for EVERYTHING, even my mate. I also started reading a book called "Lady in Waiting" and it has called me out on A LOT of things and helped me realize some of my wrong thinking and how to correct it.

 

Lastly, through other Godly women, God started showing me what His word says about being single, His plan, and His desire for me. He gently convicted my heart and drew me close to Him again. I love my Lord, more every day. He showed me how His Son is the only man who has pursued me relentlessly and continually, even to hell and back! He reminded me of His forgiveness and grace. He showed me the story of Hosea, how over and over again Hosea's wife cheated on him, left him, hurt him, but he never stopped loving her and pursuing her. God is just the same way with us.  He wants our hearts to be pure and unblemished, to wait for His perfect mate for us as if we are waiting for Jesus himself.  Sometimes we are going to sin and run away from him, but He will never give up, he will chase us to the ends of the earth. I finally realized that everything that I long for, someone to love me unconditionally, to chase after me, to make me feel wanted and adored, Jesus already does, He is the only man who can perfectly fill my emotional needs. He is the only one who will never let me down or disappoint me. He is the perfect man and he is MINE!

 

I have a new perspective now. I am not just "obeying" God's rules about purity and singleness. I am being faithful to my heavenly fiancé, Jesus, until he gives my heart to his earthly counter-part. I am relishing the time I get to spend with Him without the distraction of another man. My love for Him increases everyday as He shows me in the Word, or the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit, or the beauty of His creation, or even the gifts of His blessings, how much He completely adores me.  I have finally found the contentment I have been searching for the last few months. It is in my Lord's arms, and there, I am home.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

                                                                  Romans 8:35-39

Our Deepest Fear...