Hello, my name is Annie and I am an addict...

Hello, my name is Annie and I am an addict.  I am addicted to food and not the good kind. It controls my thoughts, my actions, my emotions, my finances…it controls my life.

How you may ask have I come to this realization? Well just this morning I was in line at the drive-thru waiting for my breakfast and on the verge of tears, knowing I should not be getting it because:

1. I know it is crap and not good for me.

2. I do not have the money to be spending on the food in the first place. 

3. I constantly have a mental battle of desire for and guilt about eating crap.

4. This is an ongoing cycle, not just a one-time occurrence.

Yes, food addiction is a real thing. No, you are not crazy. No, I am not crazy. Starches affect your brain the same way drugs, alcohol or nicotine does.  I am finally coming to terms with this. 

This is not just about making good food choices.

This is not just about eating healthier and drinking more water.

It is bigger than that.

It is going to involve me being completely honest with myself. It is going to involve me becoming disciplined and intentional. The truth of it is I cannot do this.  I will fail miserably. I already have. The bigger truth is that I need the Holy Spirit and God’s strength if I ever wish to overcome this and I know I can with His help. 

So is it worth it? Not EVER being able to eat certain things again. Knowing that if I do I will be falling back into addiction.  Let us look at the Pros and Cons and see which win out.

PROS	CONS
LESS FATIGUE	NO PIZZA
LESS ANXIETY/DEPRESSION	NO FAST FOOD/MEXICAN
MORE ENERGY	NO STARCH LOADED BREAKFASTS BURRITOS/SANDWICHES/HASHBROWNS ETC.
WEIGHT LOSS	NO BREAD
GOOD HEALTH	NO CEREALS
MORE CONTROL OVER FINANCES	NO CAKES/ICE CREAMS/REFINED SUGAR
NO GUILT	LOSS OF SOME CONVIENIENCE
CLEAR MIND	LOSS OF COMFORT
SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS
BEING AN OVERCOMER IN CHRIST

I think it is safe to say that the Pros have won out. You would think that anyways. Nevertheless, even as I look at the list on the left and know the truth, I have knots in my stomach and can feel the anxiety rising at the thought of never being able to indulge in the foods listed on the right. Sad, I know.

On a positive note, it is so exciting that God is allowing me to experience yet another trial that will draw me closer to Him and make me stronger! It will also expand my testimony and bring more glory to Him as I overcome this stronghold!

So the next question is how am I going to begin? The following are the steps that, with the help of my nutritionist, I have determined I should take first.Start a continuing list of my craving triggers, trigger foods and alternative non-food related responses to said triggers.

1. Start taking the medication my Dietitian prescribed.  I have gone back and forth about taking this medication for a few months now. The strongest excuse being that my insurance will not cover it so it will be a pretty chunk out of my pocket every month on top of everything else. However, if I really put it in perspective, I blow just as much money on eating all the crap. It would be better spent overcoming my addiction rather than feeding it.
2. Discipline. I have noticed that God usually starts easing me into the next years focus about this time of the year. This year has been Intimacy with God, of which I have definitely experienced an increase. I have a feeling Discipline will be next years. I will never be able to achieve all God has planned for me without it and it is not one of my strengths.
3. Prayer. I do not believe I can do this without it. It will be vital in my growth of discipline and success.
4. Focus on God. This may be the last step listed, but it is the most vital of all of them. Without my focus being on God I will not succeed, I will not overcome, I will not be able to glorify Him.  He alone is the foundation for all good things.

As I close, I would like to ask something of you, dear reader. Please pray for me. Pray for my deliverance from this addiction, strength in the battle, and perseverance.  

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to CLEANSE us from all unrighteousness.  

I John 1:9

Be blessed,

-   ~ A

What I Believe...A Statement of Faith

I was sorting through some old e-mails and came across the following which was part of a response I wrote to someone. I have reworded it a bit to make it more of a statement of my faith. I thought I would post it here for anyone that might be curious about my foundation beliefs. 

 

I want to live a Christ like life, a life that has a foundation of biblical principals, working principals. I do not consider myself a member of any denomination but rather a member of The Church. I am a child of God, I believe that the bible is His Word and the ultimate authority on how I should live my life, that the only way to the Father is through Jesus Christ and by confessing, repenting and changing our lives daily to become more Christ like. I believe in the Trinity, I believe in the value and the mysteries of Eucharist, I believe in baptism and what it symbolizes.  I do not believe that being a member of or attending any specific church is going to grant me any more or less salvation than living by God's Word will.  The bible says "know the truth and it shall set you free" (Jn. 8:32). It is relationship with God, through the Holy Spirit and the Word of God that I live my life by and strive to know.  I seek to know what God requires of ME and what path He has planned for MY LIFE.  I am certain that it is not the same as any other persons path that has ever or will ever live.  It is a path He has created just for me. 

Be Blessed!

~A

10 Things I Learned on my Journey to Relationship Purity

As you, my dear reader, will know from several of my past posts, I have struggled for a very long time with relationship and purity issues. Let’s be clear here, I am talking about sexual promiscuity, jumping into relationships that are unhealthy,  allowing myself to be used to satisfy a fleeting and destructive desire, being heartbroken and feeling used. It has taken me years to bring these desires into check. I say into check because while I have learned how to channel Christ’s strength to overcome them, some are still there and may always be. It has truly been something God and I have gone head to head on over, and over again.  The journey has taken me nearly three years to work through, but God has been so faithful, and issue by issue, brick by brick, He has helped me to tear down that stronghold that Satan had built in my life.

I would like to share a few truths that God has shown me that might help anyone else who is struggling with similar issues or just with being single in general.

1.       If you are not trusting God with your relationship status, if you are going out and searching for your next relationship, you do not believe that He knows what is best. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11, NIV)

2.       If you spend more time thinking about being in a relationship or looking for your next relationship than focused on the Lord, you have an idol.  Don’t get me wrong, if God has given you the desire to be a wife that is a legitimate desire, just don’t become so fixated on it that it becomes the most important thing.

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. (Col. 3:5, NIV)

3.       Just like anything else that a person might struggle with, YOU CANNOT OVERCOME THIS ALONE!! Only through God’s help will you ever be able to truly overcome weakness of any sort.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9, NIV)

4.       You will have to become aware of yourself and the Holy Spirit’s instruction. Sometimes you will not like the things you may have to give up, but trust him, He knows what He is doing. He is after all our Teacher. Be aware and vigilant!

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Matt. 26:41, NIV). 

5.       God will always provide for your needs according to His mercy and goodness. Once I was able to  break my fixation on one person filling my every need, I discovered that God had placed so many amazing people in my life to support me, love me and give me those things that I needed, in a Godly way.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:19, NIV)

6.       SEEK GOD FIRST!! I cannot tell you how important this is. Fall in love with Jesus. Read about Him, create a picture of Him in your mind with the help of the Holy Spirit and the bible. Make Him REAL to you. Falling in love with Jesus is a remarkable experience. You will feel His presence and love surrounding you.

I don’t want your sacrifices—I want your love; I don’t want your offerings—I want you to know me. (Hs. 6:6, NIV)

7.       Once you have realigned your priorities to God’s guidelines, write a description of who you think the perfect mate for you would look like, be like, etc. Be bold, no bars held, everything you want. Now read it and realize that whatever God has in store for you will be even better than everything you just listed. BETTER!!

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]— (Eph. 3:20, AMP)

8.       Contentment is key. It is hard, it is frustrating, it is everything. If you cannot be content in where you are and what God has blessed you with now, you will never be able to appreciate the more He wants to give you!  You are in this place for a purpose, celebrate your growth!

 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:11-13, NIV)

9.       Be THANKFUL!! EVEN IN THE HARD, BE THANKFUL! That is where you will find your JOY and CONTENTMENT!

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Col. 3:15-17, NIV)

10.   I have saved this one for last because it is so very important. KNOW YOUR WORTH IN CHRIST! You are the Daughter of the Most High God and Betrothed of the King of Kings, your worth is immeasurable! Claim your inheritance and live like you know it! Don’t settle for anything less than someone who Jesus is willing to step aside for and allow to love you as His earthly counterpart. Read that last sentence again, that is really what a husband is! Isn’t that amazing and wonderful?!?!?

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, ... (Eph. 1:3-14, ESV)

I am so humbled to be able to say that I have found peace, God’s peace and I am no longer tormented, enslaved, or shamed by the past choices I have made. I live in God’s freedom and His grace. I hope the lessons that I have worked so hard to learn will help you whether you are struggling with contentment, purity, or understanding what God’s will is for your life.

Be Blessed,

~A.

SUPER MOM, I AM NOT!

So have you seen that commercial where the mom is talking about all these great things she is going to do as a mother, all while they show you clips of these efforts as complete failures?

That is so me! I was going to make the snack pictured below for my son's Christmas Party today at MDO, well have him help me make them. But what did he take instead? Cuties. Not because it is a healthy option, not because he asked to, but because that was the only thing I had enough of to send with him when I remembered last night at 9 o'clock that he was supposed to bring something! 

No I will not go to the party, I have to work, no I didn't make super cute snacks for his class and look like a super mom who works full time and still has time to make snacks for the kiddos. But ya know, I think that is okay. Because I did put the new sheets and blanket that I got for Deuce on his bed last night, because I did pray with him and give him kisses, because he did tell me he loved me THREE whole times before I made it out the door.

I know that my son feels loved. He doesn't need cute snacks to take to MDO, he just needs be to be there, to give him hugs and kisses, to teach him how to be loving and kind, to be an example of Christ for him so that he will grow up to want that relationship with Him as well. 

I'm not a "Super Mom", I am Deuce's Mom and I am just fine with that!

Desires of My Heart

It is amazing how God works.

How He is so patient.

How He orchestrates things in my life.

How He knows right when I will be ready for the next step.

How He will do this over and over and OVER again until His hard headed, stubborn, good intentioned little girl FINALLY submits to Him and His will.

OH, HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME!

There is a shift happening in my life, in my spirit and soul right now.  I survived another storm, I almost allowed myself to drown, but I finally reached out to grab my Saviors hand and I am one by one letting go of the rocks that were dragging me down.  

The beginning of this month saw the beginning of two new studies at church. One is Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman and the other is Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  In these two studies, I am simultaneously learning what it is that following Christ truly means and what is keeping me from being able to do this. See I am a Christian, but as hard as I have been trying to be what I THOUGHT God wanted me to be, I was not being a follower of Christ. I was still trying to get it on my own. I was still compartmentalizing my life, I was still holding on to what I wanted and not allowing God to have ALL of me! It is a crazy concept. It goes against EVERYTHING our nature says, it is unknown and can seem REALLY scary. I mean what will God ask me to do? AM I really willing to give up EVERYTHING? AM I really willing to do ANYTHNG to follow Christ? What is that one thing that would be your “but that”? 

For me it is I will do ANYTHING for you Lord, but be single, I do not want to be single I do not want to be alone. So I will follow you and obey you until I feel lonely and begin to feel insecure and start to fear that you won’t allow me to be married. Then I will go out and try to figure it out for myself because:

“I don’t think you understand just how important this is to me, Lord, and you don’t seem to have any intention of allowing me to have this because I am still waiting, but I still love you and I will obey you in everything else…well most everything else…as far as anyone looking from the outside can see anyways…

So is this what God is asking of me? I do not know! I know that is what is He is calling me to right now, but forever, I do not know. I can hope and pray about it, but I HAVE to trust Him. I have to want Him and be willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING, ANYTHING for Him first.

             
There is a verse that God showed me not long after I separated from my husband and was feeling very afraid and discouraged,

 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.                                                                                  Psalm 37:4 ESV

He has been teaching me since what this really means to me in my life. The emphasis on this verse is not that God will give me what I desire, but that He will FILL me with HIS desires! HELLO! Have you ever thought about that? It is amazing how the whole meaning of a verse can change when you move the emphasis off what God can do for you, and instead put the emphasis on how you can use it to serve God!

He never promises easy, safe, or comfortable. On the contrary, trusting Him is HARD, it can sometimes be unnerving, it is not easy being patient, it is not easy learning to wait on Him, it is not easy doing things He requires of us, but He is FAITHFUL! No matter where we find ourselves if we are truly FOLLOWING Christ, we will never have to fear for our future because it is in HIM!

I am learning, have been for quite a while, and will continue to learn and fall and get up again. But see, it is not about succeeding, it is about my heart. What is my heart’s DESIRE?  If it is anything other than following Christ and loving Him with all that I am, well, then it does not matter what I have done, learned, or overcome.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God,who loved me and gave himself for me.                                                                                    Galatians 2:20

So whom are you living for? Are you giving God EVERYTHING? Are you willing to do ANYTHING?

Reality Sucks...

So the other day I made a status update that said "Reality Sucks", and yes, the reality of the world can suck...a lot. But over the weekend God really spoke to me and shared some really encouraging wisdom. Just like in everything God has created, there is not just one plane of awareness, there are THREE! I have lived in all three and boy let me tell you the third is the place to be! Here are the three that He revealed to me:

1.       Fantasy – This is the reality where we bend to the desires of our flesh, the “feel good” reality. Phrases like, “It is what I deserve” or “It feels right, so it’s okay” or “I’m not hurting anyone or myself so it is okay”.  This is Satan’s reality. He wants us to live here because he can sway and manipulate us.

There is a way that appears to be right,

but in the end it leads to death.

Proverbs 14:9

2.       Reality of the World – This is the reality of the world without God. The knowledge that there is evil and pain in the world. That life is hard and there is no security. There is right and wrong, but no hope or faith or encouragement that things will improve. It is up to each person to make things better, but it is a endless and disappointing struggle.

3.       God’s Reality – This is the best of realities! It is in this reality that we can find peace. When the worries of what ifs, whys and hows overwhelm us, it is in this reality we will find the encouragement and HOPE, and the reason to persevere. He has a plan, He knows our needs, He knows our struggles and hurts, after all He CREATED US!  He knit us together in our mother’s wombs! (Psalms 139:13)  He KNOWS US!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

So where I started out my weekend in worry and fear for the upcoming holidays, I ended it, by His grace, in peace. Knowing that He is good, He has a plan, and He is faithful.  It is not easy for me sometimes, I am a fixer, a worrier, a planner.  When I am unable to wrap my head around things or clearly see the endgame, I can forget where my focus should be.  But I am learning and growing and right now I am secure in knowing that whatever happens, God is in control and I have nothing to fear.

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

 ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace,

which exceeds anything we can understand.

His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Round the Mountain....

I am reading Deuteronomy. I feel like an Israelite lately. I am fickle and easily swayed and pulled away from God, even after all of His mighty works in my life. I seek self gratification and pleasure over God's will.  So I was reading chapter 4 of Deuteronomy last night and as I was reading I realized a few things….

1. I fall away from God when I stop reading and doing my bible studies, etc.

2. There is a pattern in my sinning. When I am starting to really get to some awesome breakthroughs and start growing in big ways, Satan attacks me like crazy and I falter. Which made me realize that God must want to use me to do some great things or else Satan wouldn't be so adamant about destroying me. He does not want me to have that kind of authority over him.

3. When I fall into my sin it makes me miserable!! For all its self-gratification and fleshly satisfaction, it makes my spirit sick, which in turn brings me back to God. This is totally cool to me because it is proof that the holy spirit truly resides in me! 

4. That I need to learn to be more aware of the spiritual world around me and guard against it. (make sure I am always covered in the armor of God) 

5. Satan needs to go to hell. 

I feel joy again. I feel peace again. 

I was told by someone that because of God’s grace and salvation sin is not about not being good enough. It is about the level of authority that God gives you and the amount of responsibility you are given. So it’s not that I should want to be good or not sin for the sake of  salvation, but in order that God will use me in greater ways. I want to be used by God. I want to reflect Him in all that I do and I haven’t done that at all lately. I am tired of being that way I am. I am tired of walking around the mountain. I want to go to the next level, I want to grow stronger and even closer to God. I want to be a vessel, not just a believer. I want to be a follower. Not just a receiver but a reflector of His amazing glory! 

I love this prayer!!!!

 

 

This is exactly where my heart is right now. I just want to enjoy closeness with God and dependence upon Him. 

Waiting For My Greater While I Become and Overcomer

I am so glad that I had a weekend full of single mom love.  I always come away from any Arise Ministries event having grown in some way.  As you know from my previous post I have fully committed my heart and my relationship status to my heavenly fiancé until He is ready to hand it over to His earthly counterpart here on earth.  I still have so much peace about the place I am in now.  Friday night Ms. Alice Richardson gave the most AMAZING sermon (really it was, I mean the woman PREACHED it!) about waiting for God’s greater for our lives and not settling for anything less. It was such a great confirmation and reinforcement of what God has been teaching me!

 

 Then the beautiful Ms. Pam Kanaly spoke about making sure that we allow God to fortify us and give us peace and joy in our singleness.  We are OVERCOMERS!  I sometimes forget to allow Jesus to be my champion and start to feel defeated because I feel like I am losing the battle! The truth of it is it is not my battle to fight and, in fact, My Lord has already won it! I had been very anxious, worried and upset about my son’s father coming back into the picture over the last couple of weeks.  It had been almost a year since he had seen him and now he decided he was going to cooperate and start scheduling visitations again.  I spent a lot of time crying and dwelling upon it in such unhealthy ways! I was taking back a burden that I had already given to God! I was allowing Satan to have ALL KINDS of access to my thoughts.  After listening to Pam’s lessons something clicked! She reminded us not to allow those negative thoughts in but instead to focus on the good and the blessings! Although she was referring mostly to the holidays, it was just what I needed! On the way home that night I started praying the word of God over the situation and my thoughts. I covered myself with the Armor of Salvation and rebuked Satan and all of his lies. I felt an instant peace and have not felt that fear again since.

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ⁶ And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

                                                                                2 Corinthians 10:4-6

If you do not pray the Word over yourself and your family, I would HIGHLY recommend you try it. It makes a world of difference. The bible says, “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12. 

The other break-through I had this weekend was that I realized that I have not truly forgiven my ex-husband. I have forgiven myself, I have not allowed him to hurt me further, but I have not truly forgiven him. I thought I had, but God has convicted me and I now realize that I have not.  This is my next journey, and I think it may just be the hardest one yet…even harder than finding my way back to purity. Please keep me in your prayers as God leads me through this time of uprooting and healing.

I Love God The Most...

Many of you may have read my earlier post, God Loves Me Most. I would love to say that the events and lessons I chronicled in that entry were the beginning and end of that struggle and the beginning of my new journey in purity. But, alas, they were not. I was able to live it out for awhile, but over this summer I made several poor choices and rode what I like to call "The Pinball Machine of Relationships".  I bounced back and forth from one relationship to another, I was sexually active, I was promiscuous, I was making REALLY BAD CHOICES and I allowed my heart to be trampled yet again. There are a few things that I finally happened that changed my trajectory.

First, I decided to bow out of the CR study that I had been doing since the first of the year and went back to the Women's Bible Study on Wednesday nights at church. I have nothing against CR. It did help me in many ways. I would recommend it to anyone who is hurting or needs to work through issues or injury.  For me that season ended and I felt that God really wanted me to be with the ladies that He had chosen for me as mentors and friends, they are all older than me, wiser than me and teach me what it means to be a Godly woman. 

 

Secondly, I was asked to be on the Women's Ministry Council.  This was an answer to prayer and a great honor for me.  I long to be more involved in the church, to be able to minister and serve others and this was my opportunity! But one of the things that the leadership in our church is called to do is "Lead by Example" and to strive to "Live a Life of Purity.  OUCH! Well I prayed about it and God really started getting into me and convicting me and revealing the lies that I had used to justify my actions.  He also started reminding me of His amazing love for me. I cut off contact with all of the guys I had any communication with and deleted all of my online dating accounts. I want to be an example of a Godly single mom, one that trusts in the Lord for EVERYTHING, even my mate. I also started reading a book called "Lady in Waiting" and it has called me out on A LOT of things and helped me realize some of my wrong thinking and how to correct it.

 

Lastly, through other Godly women, God started showing me what His word says about being single, His plan, and His desire for me. He gently convicted my heart and drew me close to Him again. I love my Lord, more every day. He showed me how His Son is the only man who has pursued me relentlessly and continually, even to hell and back! He reminded me of His forgiveness and grace. He showed me the story of Hosea, how over and over again Hosea's wife cheated on him, left him, hurt him, but he never stopped loving her and pursuing her. God is just the same way with us.  He wants our hearts to be pure and unblemished, to wait for His perfect mate for us as if we are waiting for Jesus himself.  Sometimes we are going to sin and run away from him, but He will never give up, he will chase us to the ends of the earth. I finally realized that everything that I long for, someone to love me unconditionally, to chase after me, to make me feel wanted and adored, Jesus already does, He is the only man who can perfectly fill my emotional needs. He is the only one who will never let me down or disappoint me. He is the perfect man and he is MINE!

 

I have a new perspective now. I am not just "obeying" God's rules about purity and singleness. I am being faithful to my heavenly fiancé, Jesus, until he gives my heart to his earthly counter-part. I am relishing the time I get to spend with Him without the distraction of another man. My love for Him increases everyday as He shows me in the Word, or the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit, or the beauty of His creation, or even the gifts of His blessings, how much He completely adores me.  I have finally found the contentment I have been searching for the last few months. It is in my Lord's arms, and there, I am home.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

                                                                  Romans 8:35-39

Our Deepest Fear...

God Loves Me Most...

18 Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. 19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
                                                        1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (NLT)

 

I am sure that I am not alone in my struggle with sexual purity. Seeing as this blog is a chronicle of how God is shaping me into an amazing person, I feel I would be remiss if I did not write about my journeys of late in the hopes that it may help someone else along their journey and also as a reminder to myself of the lesson learned.

 

I wandered have off the path for a bit.  I felt the need to "look" for God's match for me instead of waiting for God to bring him to me when I was ready for him.  It is so true that we often want for ourselves what is not best for us.  It is so easy to convince ourselves that what we are wanting is what God wants for us! Justifying this, rationalizing that, before we know it we will find ourselves knee deep in the gunk we had worked so hard to climb out of such a short time before. Alas, that is exactly where I found myself!

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

 

                                                                Romans 7:18 (MSG)

I chose to become sexually active.  I was chastised by my dear friend who reminded me of the promises I had made to myself and to God as well as how God saw the subject. While I heard what she said it took me a few days to work through. I spent several days trying to rationalize my disobedience and how it was okay and how I deserved to be able to experince this kind of relationship. 

12 If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

                                                                   I Corinthians 10:12

But then the spirit started really dealing with me. I was chastised for my choices, which in truth I knew were wrong all along. As the spirit really started talking to me I was asked this question,

"Who do you love the most?"

"God" I replied.

"Who loves YOU more?"

"God" I said.

I want to please Him. I want to make Him proud and I want to feel His closeness.  I have been choosing to do things that have pulled me away from Him lately. I was starting to feel scattered and insecure. Unless you have experienced this centered perfect place in Christ for yourself, there is no way for me to describe the wonderful peace and joy that is there.  Once you have experienced it though it is something you will long for if you are not in it. I am finding my way back again.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  My mind feels clear and my heart feels light.  I am choosing my God over myself.  His will over my own. I am choosing to be obedient to Him and trust in His plan for me instead of my own in this area.

 

Something I learned last summer has really stuck with me and that is to consider each desicion you make not on it's immediate result but how it will affect your life in the long run.  I have been making choices based on what I feel in that moment and it has not served me well.  My focus has been on my flesh and it's wants instead of God and His truth. The bad news is that I cannot take back the choices I made and I have to live with them.  The good news is that my God is one of mercy and grace and that with the my obedience and confession of my failures He will forgive me and I can start today renewed in the knowledge that I belong to my God first and always will.

  

 

Give to God What is Gods...

I know it has been a little while and I have lots to catch  you all up on.  I have been learning some really awesome things about finance the last few months and I want to share that with you first.  I will have some more posts to catch you up over the next few weeks.

So I realized after I had been working for a little while that I needed to start planning for my future financially, and figure out what I needed to do to ensure I don't ever end up in the financial mess I found myself in again. My first step was tithing.  I know that you might wonder about that but I can ensure you that when you faithfully give to the Lord his portion, He will faithfully give back and then some! Not once since I started tithing regularly have I had to worry about having enough money to pay my bills! Some months I have extra income left at the end of the month and I'm not sure where it came from! God truly does reward faithfulness!

¹⁰ Bring to the storehouse a full tenth of what you earn so there will be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord All-Powerful. “I will open the windows of heaven for you and pour out all the blessings you need.

                                                                         Malachi 3:10

Next, I decided to complete the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University program, as I told you in a previous post.  My goal is to become debt free and so I decided to learn from the best on how to accomplish that goal.  I would recommend this program to every person I know, whether you feel you have your finances in order or not! It is just amazing.  There are several steps to becoming debt free in this program and I am right now working on step two, which is the debt snowball! 

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.

                                                                        Proverbs 22:7 

God has faithfully provided for me in abundance since I started trusting Him and honoring Him with my finances.  I have continually had more than enough and have been able to do things just in the last few months that would have never been possible a year ago.  It is so true that if you are faithful to the Lord, He is faithful to you!

His Love Never Fails...

Do you know what it feels like to trust in God.  I mean REALLY trust in Him.  Not the kind of trust where everything is going great, yeah, God is blessing me.  But the kind that even when bad, horrible, disastrous things are happening you are still praising Him and full of joy and peace?  I think I have found that very place, and boy, let me tell you, it is an AMAZING place to be!

The default judgment I was previously granted for my divorce has been set aside as of Wednesday of last week. So I am now, in effect, UN-divorced!  Now before you start with the sympathy, let me tell you that I think it is a hoot and a half!  I mean how many people can say they are UN-divorced! It just cracks me up! So would you like to know the secret to my crazy weirdo joy?  TRUST!

I guess I should start at the beginning, its a very good place to start....

About a month ago my attorney informed me that the Motion to Vacate Judgement had been filed in relation to my divorce.  I reacted much like you might expect, with tears, anger, frustration, fear.  The fear, that's what got me. I am in Christ. There is no fear in Christ Jesus (I John 4:18).  I hate fear, because I KNOW that fear is of Satan, so if I am experiencing fear that means I am not trusting in the Lord!

So all that night and the next morning I was sad, worried, and afraid.  But then, I said out loud to a friend all the things that I was trying to think of.  Everything will be okay, God has a plan, Deuce is his child and I am only here to take care of him for God, that being so, God will not let anything befall Deuce that isn't inline with the path that God has for him.  Immediately all that apprehension, fear and worry disappeared!  I have not dwelt on any negative thoughts regarding the situation since.  If they try to creep in I just think or say the promises that my God has given me.

⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

³¹ 

but those who hope in the Lord    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;    they will run and not grow weary,   they will walk and not be faint.   Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

I am so full of joy and peace.  I am not upset that I am now un-divorced.  As I said, I think it is quite funny! I know that God is in control, that he has a plan and I cannot even begin to fathom what it is.  I am just doing everything I can to stay obedient to God.  I will, "love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me" Matthew 5:44.   I will praise Him in this situation, because I know that no matter where I am He is still God. I know that he is just and loves his children. I know that He will work all things for His glory and for good for those who love Him!

I feel like I cannot give this topic justice.  I can't seem to put into words the way I feel.  I think I have finally truly fallen in love with my God. I  trust him completely. I rely on him solely. I long only for his voice and presence.  My only desire is that my contentment, peace, joy and strength will be a testament to the amazing awesomeness of what God can do when you are completely devoted to him!