When
I was seventeen a friend I had met while on vacation noted this verse
in a letter she gave me when I left..
11
For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future. 12
Then
you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to
you. 13
You
will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah
29:11 - 13
God
had put this verse on her heart for me, she said. I remembered it and
stored it away with all the other verses I knew. But this one was
different and the Holy Spirit reminded me of it over and over again
through out the next several years. However, I only just recently
began to truly understand its meaning and promises.
My
testimony is not a salvation story. I asked the Lord into my heart
as a small child and for the first ten or so years of my life I was
raised in a charismatic, spirit filled, God can do all things, world.
While some of those beliefs continued on into my teens, most fell to
the way side as my parent's relationship with God changed. What my
early years did give me was an amazing foundation of knowledge.
I
guess the best way for me to explain how I am learning to get it
right now is to tell you how I got it wrong first, and how God was
guiding me to Him, even when I didn't know it. As a teen and young
adult I did not have a personal relationship with Christ. Because I
was separated from Christ, I was on a mission to make MY dreams come
true instead of following the advice of Jeremiah 29:11-13.
Unfortunately, I did not realize the importance of marrying a true
believer until after I had been married for about nine months. It
wasn't something I could really change, I was married, I had made a
commitment....for life. And so for the first time in my relationship
with my husband I sought the Lord's guidance. I did discover some
hope for my marriage in I Peter 3:1-2
3
Wives,
in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if
any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without
words by the behavior of their wives, 2
when
they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
And
so I had found a mission. My new goal in life was to be so perfect
and wonderful that my husband would see it and think “golly I
really want to know Christ!” And so began my journey to be the
perfect, selfless, willing to do anything you want so you are happy,
wife. I didn't try to accomplish this by being a Godly woman, or by
trusting in Christ to guide me and be my strength. So in reality, I
wasn't being a reflection of Christ or his love at all! My husband
was the center of my world and I lived to make him happy!
Let
me explain a little bit about what happens when you live your life
for someone or something. You will never feel happy or complete.
Oh, you will for awhile, but you will find in general that life is
more of a tilt-a-whirl type ride than a ferris wheel ride. You see,
life with Christ at the center is like taking a ride on a ferris
wheel. Life goes up and down, it's not always easy and there may be
some rocky moments, but you are always right there with the Lord. He
stabilizes you and makes it a smoother ride. You can count on him
being there in your ups and your downs and know that if you will hold
on to him in the downs he will bring the good around again.
Now,
life without the Lord, well it's just a little crazy and out of
control. You still have life's ups and downs, but in trying to figure
out what is wrong and how to control the situation you you can end up
all kinds of dizzy, not knowing which way is up or down. You go down
into depression, anxiety, and worry, trying to figure out a solution
to an impossible problem. You will find something that seems to make
you happy or “fix” the situation, but the problems always come
back again with a vengeance to take you on another wild ride. The
only way to truly over come your problems is to give them over to
Christ and make Him the center of your life.
After
almost five years of riding that wild tilt-a-whirl kind of life, I
slowly started to hear God through the mess. First I heard him tell
me to find a church home. It took about a month of prodding, but
eventually I did find my church home. I felt welcomed and at home
immediately it was so nice to be among genuine people who cared. I
wish I could say that I found the church haven't missed a day since,
but that isn't the case. I was not a regular for some time. But God
had put some amazing women in my path and they were persistent and
did not give up on me or forget about me. They saw me as worth
caring for even though at the time I did not see myself that way. I
felt I was “worthless”, but they didn't. They cared and that was
something I hadn't felt in such a long time. It gave me hope that
maybe there was something better.
My
marriage had become toxic. Not only to my husband and me, but to his
daughter and our son. After a near mental and emotional breakdown
due to decisions and choices that my husband had made and I had
allowed, I finally looked for help. I went to my pastor and asked
him for his advice. I didn't want to give up on my marriage, I
didn't want to quit, but I wanted to be happy again and feel like I
was alive, that I was of value, and that I mattered. He helped me to
realize that I couldn't change Chris, I couldn't make him become a
christian, no matter how good a wife I tried to be. I also realized
that I had no idea what a Godly wife was. And here is where Jeremiah
29:11-13 comes back in, I read that verse again, really read it and
what it said. I started focusing on what God wanted from me, who he
wanted me to be, I started praying and reading and filling myself
with the truth of the Word of God. I felt joy and peace, my husbands
words and actions didn't bother me nearly as much anymore. God was
becoming my center. I talked to Him constantly, and His spirit
ministered to my heart. People were beginning to see a difference in
me, they could see the change, I was over flowing with the joy of the
Lord!
Unfortunately,
this transformation was not having a positive affect on my marriage.
The closer I became to God, the further my husband pulled away. He
too could sense a change and he did not appreciate it. He was
threatened by my new foundation, my new peace and joy. He did not
understand it, nor did he want to. The words that would have caused
me to cower and feel bad about myself previously, didn't have the
same affect any longer. I believe he could feel his control over me
slipping. Although I was leaning on God and his truth, I was still
feeling unsettled about my marriage, mainly my husbands activities,
words, and actions.
The
tipping point for me was the night I was brought home by my friend
from the ER with my foot in a splint, no crutches and a husband
passed out on the couch from whatever substance he had taken that
evening. I left the next morning, after a night full of verbal
abuse, and did not return to my home again until my husband had left.
I could no longer live with his lies, blame, selfishness, or abuse.
I believe that I had backed myself into such a corner that there was
only one way out and, unfortunately, that was through divorce. If I
had not I am certain my marriage would have been detrimental not only
to my mental, emotional and physical well-being, but to my son's as
well.
I
am aware that divorce is not something that we as Christians should
see as an option, and I know that God does not condone divorce, but I
have come to the realization that God will do ANYTHING necessary to
find a lost lamb and bring it back to His fold. At no point during
my marriage was I within the will of God. I would search it out, but
then I would fall away again just as quickly. Christ was not the
center of my universe, I had no stability. But looking back now, I
can see Him working in my life unbeknownst to me, in an amazing
orchestration that eventually led me right into His arms. I cannot
begin to describe the feeling I had when I finally got to the point
where I realized the only comfort and safety I was going to find was
in His loving embrace and so I closed my eyes visualized myself
climbing up into His lap as if I were a child and feeling His loving
arms wrapping around me, protecting me.
There
is a story that I heard Sheila Walsh tell recently at a woman's
convention.
There
are certain lambs that are born who are rejected by their mothers. It
is a common placed occurrence within the shepherding community.
These lambs are called bummer lambs. When a shepherd sees that a
lamb is being rejected by it's mother, he gathers it into his arms
and adopts it. He feeds it, keeps it with him, talks to it and
carries it close to his heart so that the lamb can hear the shepherds
heart beat and know it is loved. Once the bummer lambs are strong
enough, they are released back into the fold with the other sheep and
become one of the flock. But, when the shepherd stands at the gate
and calls the sheep to him, it is the bummer lambs that come running
first and the quickest, because they know his voice and that they are
loved by him.
I
am a bummer lamb. I was lost, rejected, destroyed, and Jesus found
me scooped me up and held me in His arms, guiding me through this
change in my life. I know with the greatest of certainty that I am
now right where God wants me to be, that I am doing what He has
planned for me to do. I seek Him out in all that I do. Ask Him for
His guidance and His wisdom. He is the center of my universe, the
only person I live to serve now. The only thing I focus on. He has
lifted me up from the ashes and given me a new life. He is refining
me and creating me into something I never knew I could be. The
journey is not over yet, on the contrary, it has only just begun, but
I finally understand the verse that my friend gave me so very long
ago.
11
For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future. 12
Then
you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to
you. 13
You
will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah
29:11 - 13
I
now seek the Lord with all my heart, I seek out His plans and He
blesses me with His answers. I am prospering in His will more than I
ever did outside of it. He is giving me dreams and visions of
things to accomplish that I can never do alone. But He is faithful
and He is attentive and he will perfect me, creating me into
something beautiful, magnificent and amazing.
3
He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver;he will purify and
refine them like gold and silver. Then the Lord
will
have men who will bring offerings in righteousness... Malachi
3:3
Are
you a bummer lamb. Do you feel alone, lost, rejected? Jesus is
there, he is waiting to scoop you up off the crazy ride you are on
and hold you close to his heart. He want's to show you the path that
God created you to follow. He will love you more than you have ever
been loved and you will never be the same. All you have to do is let
go, ask him to show you the way, then follow where he leads. I know
how hard it can be to release that control, especially if you have
been living your life for someone or something else. I also know
that if you will take that step of faith, you will find that
everything that you have been fighting to hold on to will fall into
place. God has an amazing plan for you but you will never know what
it is until you live your life for him. I am where I am today
because God led me here step by step and I am more than I ever
imagined I could be. He can do the same for you. God commands my
destiny, and no one and no thing will ever lead me away from His will
again. So, who commands yours?
