Who am I? Where did that person that was me go? I am lost! Some things I do know:
My name is Annie, I am 30, I am a mom and wife, housekeeper, laundress, chauffeur...you get the picture. But these are all just things that I DO...I need to find out who I AM, just me, without all the attachments and and duties.
Now to the hard part, the admissions. I know they always say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well that is just what I am going to do here. The following are things I know need fixing. I am not proud of them but I just want everything out in the open. I am tired of pretending, I want to be real.
- "I am worthless". This is probably the hardest thing for me to admit only because I know it is SOOO wrong and I know it isn't true but it is how I allow myself to feel. I even know what to do to fix it! VALUE MYSELF! My husband values me, my friends value me, my baby values me, my little step-daughter values me! But I don't value myself. I don't treat myself with respect and honor.
- I am depressed. I have no motivation or drive to accomplish anything, I would rather sleep all day or sit on the couch than try to fix anything about myself. I don't leave the house except to go to the store or to visit my Grandma once a week. I never wear anything other than sweats or jeans and t-shirts. I only do the house work I feel I have to do in order to keep my house from not being totally disgusting.
- I am lost. Those things I felt made me who I was as a single woman have been lost along the way the last few years. I have tried so hard to become a wife and mother, etc. that I lost Annie in the process. This is perhaps one of the causes of my feelings of depression and worthlessness. I remember what those things were, I just don't make time for them anymore. I used to listen to music ALL the time, all kinds, I used to read a lot, I used to visit friends and family all the time. I used to sing and dance and act silly. I used to write and think that my thoughts and ideas had merit. I want to find those things again. I want my kids to have that person as a role model.
So what, you ask, is the reason for this sudden desire? I watched this 20/20 special the other night about Gabby Giffords. She was a congress woman from Arizona who was shot in the head in January of 2011 and is now walking and talking less than a year later. She is an amazing woman with an amazing determination to accomplish her goals.
While watching the special I found myself thinking, "what makes her so amazing, why can't I be that way? What does it take to be an AMAZING GODLY WOMAN?" Obviously I have spent the last few days mulling over this question and examining myself. I realized that the first step in growing, changing and becoming a better person is to admit and recognize your problems, issues, dislikes of yourself, and fix them or change them so that they fall in line with who you desire to be. Well I have taken the first step. I have listed the "Biggies" above, those things that I feel are the foundation of this person that I do not like being.
I am going to strive everyday, through backslides and all to change and overcome those things and to find myself and become an Amazing Woman as well. I am going to need help, support and I will always welcome some I've been there, done that advice.
Proverbs 31:10-12 and 25-30
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
