Hello, my name is Annie and I am an addict...

Hello, my name is Annie and I am an addict.  I am addicted to food and not the good kind. It controls my thoughts, my actions, my emotions, my finances…it controls my life.

How you may ask have I come to this realization? Well just this morning I was in line at the drive-thru waiting for my breakfast and on the verge of tears, knowing I should not be getting it because:

1. I know it is crap and not good for me.

2. I do not have the money to be spending on the food in the first place. 

3. I constantly have a mental battle of desire for and guilt about eating crap.

4. This is an ongoing cycle, not just a one-time occurrence.

Yes, food addiction is a real thing. No, you are not crazy. No, I am not crazy. Starches affect your brain the same way drugs, alcohol or nicotine does.  I am finally coming to terms with this. 

This is not just about making good food choices.

This is not just about eating healthier and drinking more water.

It is bigger than that.

It is going to involve me being completely honest with myself. It is going to involve me becoming disciplined and intentional. The truth of it is I cannot do this.  I will fail miserably. I already have. The bigger truth is that I need the Holy Spirit and God’s strength if I ever wish to overcome this and I know I can with His help. 

So is it worth it? Not EVER being able to eat certain things again. Knowing that if I do I will be falling back into addiction.  Let us look at the Pros and Cons and see which win out.

PROS	CONS
LESS FATIGUE	NO PIZZA
LESS ANXIETY/DEPRESSION	NO FAST FOOD/MEXICAN
MORE ENERGY	NO STARCH LOADED BREAKFASTS BURRITOS/SANDWICHES/HASHBROWNS ETC.
WEIGHT LOSS	NO BREAD
GOOD HEALTH	NO CEREALS
MORE CONTROL OVER FINANCES	NO CAKES/ICE CREAMS/REFINED SUGAR
NO GUILT	LOSS OF SOME CONVIENIENCE
CLEAR MIND	LOSS OF COMFORT
SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS
BEING AN OVERCOMER IN CHRIST

I think it is safe to say that the Pros have won out. You would think that anyways. Nevertheless, even as I look at the list on the left and know the truth, I have knots in my stomach and can feel the anxiety rising at the thought of never being able to indulge in the foods listed on the right. Sad, I know.

On a positive note, it is so exciting that God is allowing me to experience yet another trial that will draw me closer to Him and make me stronger! It will also expand my testimony and bring more glory to Him as I overcome this stronghold!

So the next question is how am I going to begin? The following are the steps that, with the help of my nutritionist, I have determined I should take first.Start a continuing list of my craving triggers, trigger foods and alternative non-food related responses to said triggers.

1. Start taking the medication my Dietitian prescribed.  I have gone back and forth about taking this medication for a few months now. The strongest excuse being that my insurance will not cover it so it will be a pretty chunk out of my pocket every month on top of everything else. However, if I really put it in perspective, I blow just as much money on eating all the crap. It would be better spent overcoming my addiction rather than feeding it.
2. Discipline. I have noticed that God usually starts easing me into the next years focus about this time of the year. This year has been Intimacy with God, of which I have definitely experienced an increase. I have a feeling Discipline will be next years. I will never be able to achieve all God has planned for me without it and it is not one of my strengths.
3. Prayer. I do not believe I can do this without it. It will be vital in my growth of discipline and success.
4. Focus on God. This may be the last step listed, but it is the most vital of all of them. Without my focus being on God I will not succeed, I will not overcome, I will not be able to glorify Him.  He alone is the foundation for all good things.

As I close, I would like to ask something of you, dear reader. Please pray for me. Pray for my deliverance from this addiction, strength in the battle, and perseverance.  

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to CLEANSE us from all unrighteousness.  

I John 1:9

Be blessed,

-   ~ A

What I Believe...A Statement of Faith

I was sorting through some old e-mails and came across the following which was part of a response I wrote to someone. I have reworded it a bit to make it more of a statement of my faith. I thought I would post it here for anyone that might be curious about my foundation beliefs. 

 

I want to live a Christ like life, a life that has a foundation of biblical principals, working principals. I do not consider myself a member of any denomination but rather a member of The Church. I am a child of God, I believe that the bible is His Word and the ultimate authority on how I should live my life, that the only way to the Father is through Jesus Christ and by confessing, repenting and changing our lives daily to become more Christ like. I believe in the Trinity, I believe in the value and the mysteries of Eucharist, I believe in baptism and what it symbolizes.  I do not believe that being a member of or attending any specific church is going to grant me any more or less salvation than living by God's Word will.  The bible says "know the truth and it shall set you free" (Jn. 8:32). It is relationship with God, through the Holy Spirit and the Word of God that I live my life by and strive to know.  I seek to know what God requires of ME and what path He has planned for MY LIFE.  I am certain that it is not the same as any other persons path that has ever or will ever live.  It is a path He has created just for me. 

Be Blessed!

~A

10 Things I Learned on my Journey to Relationship Purity

As you, my dear reader, will know from several of my past posts, I have struggled for a very long time with relationship and purity issues. Let’s be clear here, I am talking about sexual promiscuity, jumping into relationships that are unhealthy,  allowing myself to be used to satisfy a fleeting and destructive desire, being heartbroken and feeling used. It has taken me years to bring these desires into check. I say into check because while I have learned how to channel Christ’s strength to overcome them, some are still there and may always be. It has truly been something God and I have gone head to head on over, and over again.  The journey has taken me nearly three years to work through, but God has been so faithful, and issue by issue, brick by brick, He has helped me to tear down that stronghold that Satan had built in my life.

I would like to share a few truths that God has shown me that might help anyone else who is struggling with similar issues or just with being single in general.

1.       If you are not trusting God with your relationship status, if you are going out and searching for your next relationship, you do not believe that He knows what is best. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11, NIV)

2.       If you spend more time thinking about being in a relationship or looking for your next relationship than focused on the Lord, you have an idol.  Don’t get me wrong, if God has given you the desire to be a wife that is a legitimate desire, just don’t become so fixated on it that it becomes the most important thing.

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. (Col. 3:5, NIV)

3.       Just like anything else that a person might struggle with, YOU CANNOT OVERCOME THIS ALONE!! Only through God’s help will you ever be able to truly overcome weakness of any sort.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9, NIV)

4.       You will have to become aware of yourself and the Holy Spirit’s instruction. Sometimes you will not like the things you may have to give up, but trust him, He knows what He is doing. He is after all our Teacher. Be aware and vigilant!

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Matt. 26:41, NIV). 

5.       God will always provide for your needs according to His mercy and goodness. Once I was able to  break my fixation on one person filling my every need, I discovered that God had placed so many amazing people in my life to support me, love me and give me those things that I needed, in a Godly way.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:19, NIV)

6.       SEEK GOD FIRST!! I cannot tell you how important this is. Fall in love with Jesus. Read about Him, create a picture of Him in your mind with the help of the Holy Spirit and the bible. Make Him REAL to you. Falling in love with Jesus is a remarkable experience. You will feel His presence and love surrounding you.

I don’t want your sacrifices—I want your love; I don’t want your offerings—I want you to know me. (Hs. 6:6, NIV)

7.       Once you have realigned your priorities to God’s guidelines, write a description of who you think the perfect mate for you would look like, be like, etc. Be bold, no bars held, everything you want. Now read it and realize that whatever God has in store for you will be even better than everything you just listed. BETTER!!

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]— (Eph. 3:20, AMP)

8.       Contentment is key. It is hard, it is frustrating, it is everything. If you cannot be content in where you are and what God has blessed you with now, you will never be able to appreciate the more He wants to give you!  You are in this place for a purpose, celebrate your growth!

 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:11-13, NIV)

9.       Be THANKFUL!! EVEN IN THE HARD, BE THANKFUL! That is where you will find your JOY and CONTENTMENT!

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Col. 3:15-17, NIV)

10.   I have saved this one for last because it is so very important. KNOW YOUR WORTH IN CHRIST! You are the Daughter of the Most High God and Betrothed of the King of Kings, your worth is immeasurable! Claim your inheritance and live like you know it! Don’t settle for anything less than someone who Jesus is willing to step aside for and allow to love you as His earthly counterpart. Read that last sentence again, that is really what a husband is! Isn’t that amazing and wonderful?!?!?

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, ... (Eph. 1:3-14, ESV)

I am so humbled to be able to say that I have found peace, God’s peace and I am no longer tormented, enslaved, or shamed by the past choices I have made. I live in God’s freedom and His grace. I hope the lessons that I have worked so hard to learn will help you whether you are struggling with contentment, purity, or understanding what God’s will is for your life.

Be Blessed,

~A.

SUPER MOM, I AM NOT!

So have you seen that commercial where the mom is talking about all these great things she is going to do as a mother, all while they show you clips of these efforts as complete failures?

That is so me! I was going to make the snack pictured below for my son's Christmas Party today at MDO, well have him help me make them. But what did he take instead? Cuties. Not because it is a healthy option, not because he asked to, but because that was the only thing I had enough of to send with him when I remembered last night at 9 o'clock that he was supposed to bring something! 

No I will not go to the party, I have to work, no I didn't make super cute snacks for his class and look like a super mom who works full time and still has time to make snacks for the kiddos. But ya know, I think that is okay. Because I did put the new sheets and blanket that I got for Deuce on his bed last night, because I did pray with him and give him kisses, because he did tell me he loved me THREE whole times before I made it out the door.

I know that my son feels loved. He doesn't need cute snacks to take to MDO, he just needs be to be there, to give him hugs and kisses, to teach him how to be loving and kind, to be an example of Christ for him so that he will grow up to want that relationship with Him as well. 

I'm not a "Super Mom", I am Deuce's Mom and I am just fine with that!

Desires of My Heart

It is amazing how God works.

How He is so patient.

How He orchestrates things in my life.

How He knows right when I will be ready for the next step.

How He will do this over and over and OVER again until His hard headed, stubborn, good intentioned little girl FINALLY submits to Him and His will.

OH, HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME!

There is a shift happening in my life, in my spirit and soul right now.  I survived another storm, I almost allowed myself to drown, but I finally reached out to grab my Saviors hand and I am one by one letting go of the rocks that were dragging me down.  

The beginning of this month saw the beginning of two new studies at church. One is Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman and the other is Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  In these two studies, I am simultaneously learning what it is that following Christ truly means and what is keeping me from being able to do this. See I am a Christian, but as hard as I have been trying to be what I THOUGHT God wanted me to be, I was not being a follower of Christ. I was still trying to get it on my own. I was still compartmentalizing my life, I was still holding on to what I wanted and not allowing God to have ALL of me! It is a crazy concept. It goes against EVERYTHING our nature says, it is unknown and can seem REALLY scary. I mean what will God ask me to do? AM I really willing to give up EVERYTHING? AM I really willing to do ANYTHNG to follow Christ? What is that one thing that would be your “but that”? 

For me it is I will do ANYTHING for you Lord, but be single, I do not want to be single I do not want to be alone. So I will follow you and obey you until I feel lonely and begin to feel insecure and start to fear that you won’t allow me to be married. Then I will go out and try to figure it out for myself because:

“I don’t think you understand just how important this is to me, Lord, and you don’t seem to have any intention of allowing me to have this because I am still waiting, but I still love you and I will obey you in everything else…well most everything else…as far as anyone looking from the outside can see anyways…

So is this what God is asking of me? I do not know! I know that is what is He is calling me to right now, but forever, I do not know. I can hope and pray about it, but I HAVE to trust Him. I have to want Him and be willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING, ANYTHING for Him first.

             
There is a verse that God showed me not long after I separated from my husband and was feeling very afraid and discouraged,

 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.                                                                                  Psalm 37:4 ESV

He has been teaching me since what this really means to me in my life. The emphasis on this verse is not that God will give me what I desire, but that He will FILL me with HIS desires! HELLO! Have you ever thought about that? It is amazing how the whole meaning of a verse can change when you move the emphasis off what God can do for you, and instead put the emphasis on how you can use it to serve God!

He never promises easy, safe, or comfortable. On the contrary, trusting Him is HARD, it can sometimes be unnerving, it is not easy being patient, it is not easy learning to wait on Him, it is not easy doing things He requires of us, but He is FAITHFUL! No matter where we find ourselves if we are truly FOLLOWING Christ, we will never have to fear for our future because it is in HIM!

I am learning, have been for quite a while, and will continue to learn and fall and get up again. But see, it is not about succeeding, it is about my heart. What is my heart’s DESIRE?  If it is anything other than following Christ and loving Him with all that I am, well, then it does not matter what I have done, learned, or overcome.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God,who loved me and gave himself for me.                                                                                    Galatians 2:20

So whom are you living for? Are you giving God EVERYTHING? Are you willing to do ANYTHING?

Reality Sucks...

So the other day I made a status update that said "Reality Sucks", and yes, the reality of the world can suck...a lot. But over the weekend God really spoke to me and shared some really encouraging wisdom. Just like in everything God has created, there is not just one plane of awareness, there are THREE! I have lived in all three and boy let me tell you the third is the place to be! Here are the three that He revealed to me:

1.       Fantasy – This is the reality where we bend to the desires of our flesh, the “feel good” reality. Phrases like, “It is what I deserve” or “It feels right, so it’s okay” or “I’m not hurting anyone or myself so it is okay”.  This is Satan’s reality. He wants us to live here because he can sway and manipulate us.

There is a way that appears to be right,

but in the end it leads to death.

Proverbs 14:9

2.       Reality of the World – This is the reality of the world without God. The knowledge that there is evil and pain in the world. That life is hard and there is no security. There is right and wrong, but no hope or faith or encouragement that things will improve. It is up to each person to make things better, but it is a endless and disappointing struggle.

3.       God’s Reality – This is the best of realities! It is in this reality that we can find peace. When the worries of what ifs, whys and hows overwhelm us, it is in this reality we will find the encouragement and HOPE, and the reason to persevere. He has a plan, He knows our needs, He knows our struggles and hurts, after all He CREATED US!  He knit us together in our mother’s wombs! (Psalms 139:13)  He KNOWS US!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

So where I started out my weekend in worry and fear for the upcoming holidays, I ended it, by His grace, in peace. Knowing that He is good, He has a plan, and He is faithful.  It is not easy for me sometimes, I am a fixer, a worrier, a planner.  When I am unable to wrap my head around things or clearly see the endgame, I can forget where my focus should be.  But I am learning and growing and right now I am secure in knowing that whatever happens, God is in control and I have nothing to fear.

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

 ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace,

which exceeds anything we can understand.

His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Round the Mountain....

I am reading Deuteronomy. I feel like an Israelite lately. I am fickle and easily swayed and pulled away from God, even after all of His mighty works in my life. I seek self gratification and pleasure over God's will.  So I was reading chapter 4 of Deuteronomy last night and as I was reading I realized a few things….

1. I fall away from God when I stop reading and doing my bible studies, etc.

2. There is a pattern in my sinning. When I am starting to really get to some awesome breakthroughs and start growing in big ways, Satan attacks me like crazy and I falter. Which made me realize that God must want to use me to do some great things or else Satan wouldn't be so adamant about destroying me. He does not want me to have that kind of authority over him.

3. When I fall into my sin it makes me miserable!! For all its self-gratification and fleshly satisfaction, it makes my spirit sick, which in turn brings me back to God. This is totally cool to me because it is proof that the holy spirit truly resides in me! 

4. That I need to learn to be more aware of the spiritual world around me and guard against it. (make sure I am always covered in the armor of God) 

5. Satan needs to go to hell. 

I feel joy again. I feel peace again. 

I was told by someone that because of God’s grace and salvation sin is not about not being good enough. It is about the level of authority that God gives you and the amount of responsibility you are given. So it’s not that I should want to be good or not sin for the sake of  salvation, but in order that God will use me in greater ways. I want to be used by God. I want to reflect Him in all that I do and I haven’t done that at all lately. I am tired of being that way I am. I am tired of walking around the mountain. I want to go to the next level, I want to grow stronger and even closer to God. I want to be a vessel, not just a believer. I want to be a follower. Not just a receiver but a reflector of His amazing glory!