Desires of My Heart

It is amazing how God works.

How He is so patient.

How He orchestrates things in my life.

How He knows right when I will be ready for the next step.

How He will do this over and over and OVER again until His hard headed, stubborn, good intentioned little girl FINALLY submits to Him and His will.

OH, HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME!

There is a shift happening in my life, in my spirit and soul right now.  I survived another storm, I almost allowed myself to drown, but I finally reached out to grab my Saviors hand and I am one by one letting go of the rocks that were dragging me down.  

The beginning of this month saw the beginning of two new studies at church. One is Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman and the other is Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  In these two studies, I am simultaneously learning what it is that following Christ truly means and what is keeping me from being able to do this. See I am a Christian, but as hard as I have been trying to be what I THOUGHT God wanted me to be, I was not being a follower of Christ. I was still trying to get it on my own. I was still compartmentalizing my life, I was still holding on to what I wanted and not allowing God to have ALL of me! It is a crazy concept. It goes against EVERYTHING our nature says, it is unknown and can seem REALLY scary. I mean what will God ask me to do? AM I really willing to give up EVERYTHING? AM I really willing to do ANYTHNG to follow Christ? What is that one thing that would be your “but that”? 

For me it is I will do ANYTHING for you Lord, but be single, I do not want to be single I do not want to be alone. So I will follow you and obey you until I feel lonely and begin to feel insecure and start to fear that you won’t allow me to be married. Then I will go out and try to figure it out for myself because:

“I don’t think you understand just how important this is to me, Lord, and you don’t seem to have any intention of allowing me to have this because I am still waiting, but I still love you and I will obey you in everything else…well most everything else…as far as anyone looking from the outside can see anyways…

So is this what God is asking of me? I do not know! I know that is what is He is calling me to right now, but forever, I do not know. I can hope and pray about it, but I HAVE to trust Him. I have to want Him and be willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING, ANYTHING for Him first.

             
There is a verse that God showed me not long after I separated from my husband and was feeling very afraid and discouraged,

 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.                                                                                  Psalm 37:4 ESV

He has been teaching me since what this really means to me in my life. The emphasis on this verse is not that God will give me what I desire, but that He will FILL me with HIS desires! HELLO! Have you ever thought about that? It is amazing how the whole meaning of a verse can change when you move the emphasis off what God can do for you, and instead put the emphasis on how you can use it to serve God!

He never promises easy, safe, or comfortable. On the contrary, trusting Him is HARD, it can sometimes be unnerving, it is not easy being patient, it is not easy learning to wait on Him, it is not easy doing things He requires of us, but He is FAITHFUL! No matter where we find ourselves if we are truly FOLLOWING Christ, we will never have to fear for our future because it is in HIM!

I am learning, have been for quite a while, and will continue to learn and fall and get up again. But see, it is not about succeeding, it is about my heart. What is my heart’s DESIRE?  If it is anything other than following Christ and loving Him with all that I am, well, then it does not matter what I have done, learned, or overcome.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God,who loved me and gave himself for me.                                                                                    Galatians 2:20

So whom are you living for? Are you giving God EVERYTHING? Are you willing to do ANYTHING?

Reality Sucks...

So the other day I made a status update that said "Reality Sucks", and yes, the reality of the world can suck...a lot. But over the weekend God really spoke to me and shared some really encouraging wisdom. Just like in everything God has created, there is not just one plane of awareness, there are THREE! I have lived in all three and boy let me tell you the third is the place to be! Here are the three that He revealed to me:

1.       Fantasy – This is the reality where we bend to the desires of our flesh, the “feel good” reality. Phrases like, “It is what I deserve” or “It feels right, so it’s okay” or “I’m not hurting anyone or myself so it is okay”.  This is Satan’s reality. He wants us to live here because he can sway and manipulate us.

There is a way that appears to be right,

but in the end it leads to death.

Proverbs 14:9

2.       Reality of the World – This is the reality of the world without God. The knowledge that there is evil and pain in the world. That life is hard and there is no security. There is right and wrong, but no hope or faith or encouragement that things will improve. It is up to each person to make things better, but it is a endless and disappointing struggle.

3.       God’s Reality – This is the best of realities! It is in this reality that we can find peace. When the worries of what ifs, whys and hows overwhelm us, it is in this reality we will find the encouragement and HOPE, and the reason to persevere. He has a plan, He knows our needs, He knows our struggles and hurts, after all He CREATED US!  He knit us together in our mother’s wombs! (Psalms 139:13)  He KNOWS US!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

So where I started out my weekend in worry and fear for the upcoming holidays, I ended it, by His grace, in peace. Knowing that He is good, He has a plan, and He is faithful.  It is not easy for me sometimes, I am a fixer, a worrier, a planner.  When I am unable to wrap my head around things or clearly see the endgame, I can forget where my focus should be.  But I am learning and growing and right now I am secure in knowing that whatever happens, God is in control and I have nothing to fear.

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

 ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace,

which exceeds anything we can understand.

His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Round the Mountain....

I am reading Deuteronomy. I feel like an Israelite lately. I am fickle and easily swayed and pulled away from God, even after all of His mighty works in my life. I seek self gratification and pleasure over God's will.  So I was reading chapter 4 of Deuteronomy last night and as I was reading I realized a few things….

1. I fall away from God when I stop reading and doing my bible studies, etc.

2. There is a pattern in my sinning. When I am starting to really get to some awesome breakthroughs and start growing in big ways, Satan attacks me like crazy and I falter. Which made me realize that God must want to use me to do some great things or else Satan wouldn't be so adamant about destroying me. He does not want me to have that kind of authority over him.

3. When I fall into my sin it makes me miserable!! For all its self-gratification and fleshly satisfaction, it makes my spirit sick, which in turn brings me back to God. This is totally cool to me because it is proof that the holy spirit truly resides in me! 

4. That I need to learn to be more aware of the spiritual world around me and guard against it. (make sure I am always covered in the armor of God) 

5. Satan needs to go to hell. 

I feel joy again. I feel peace again. 

I was told by someone that because of God’s grace and salvation sin is not about not being good enough. It is about the level of authority that God gives you and the amount of responsibility you are given. So it’s not that I should want to be good or not sin for the sake of  salvation, but in order that God will use me in greater ways. I want to be used by God. I want to reflect Him in all that I do and I haven’t done that at all lately. I am tired of being that way I am. I am tired of walking around the mountain. I want to go to the next level, I want to grow stronger and even closer to God. I want to be a vessel, not just a believer. I want to be a follower. Not just a receiver but a reflector of His amazing glory!