Many of you may have read my earlier post, God Loves Me Most. I would love to say that the events and lessons I chronicled in that entry were the beginning and end of that struggle and the beginning of my new journey in purity. But, alas, they were not. I was able to live it out for awhile, but over this summer I made several poor choices and rode what I like to call "The Pinball Machine of Relationships". I bounced back and forth from one relationship to another, I was sexually active, I was promiscuous, I was making REALLY BAD CHOICES and I allowed my heart to be trampled yet again. There are a few things that I finally happened that changed my trajectory.
First, I decided to bow out of the CR study that I had been doing since the first of the year and went back to the Women's Bible Study on Wednesday nights at church. I have nothing against CR. It did help me in many ways. I would recommend it to anyone who is hurting or needs to work through issues or injury. For me that season ended and I felt that God really wanted me to be with the ladies that He had chosen for me as mentors and friends, they are all older than me, wiser than me and teach me what it means to be a Godly woman.
First, I decided to bow out of the CR study that I had been doing since the first of the year and went back to the Women's Bible Study on Wednesday nights at church. I have nothing against CR. It did help me in many ways. I would recommend it to anyone who is hurting or needs to work through issues or injury. For me that season ended and I felt that God really wanted me to be with the ladies that He had chosen for me as mentors and friends, they are all older than me, wiser than me and teach me what it means to be a Godly woman.
Secondly, I was asked to be on the Women's Ministry Council. This was an answer to prayer and a great honor for me. I long to be more involved in the church, to be able to minister and serve others and this was my opportunity! But one of the things that the leadership in our church is called to do is "Lead by Example" and to strive to "Live a Life of Purity. OUCH! Well I prayed about it and God really started getting into me and convicting me and revealing the lies that I had used to justify my actions. He also started reminding me of His amazing love for me. I cut off contact with all of the guys I had any communication with and deleted all of my online dating accounts. I want to be an example of a Godly single mom, one that trusts in the Lord for EVERYTHING, even my mate. I also started reading a book called "Lady in Waiting" and it has called me out on A LOT of things and helped me realize some of my wrong thinking and how to correct it.
Lastly, through other Godly women, God started showing me what His word says about being single, His plan, and His desire for me. He gently convicted my heart and drew me close to Him again. I love my Lord, more every day. He showed me how His Son is the only man who has pursued me relentlessly and continually, even to hell and back! He reminded me of His forgiveness and grace. He showed me the story of Hosea, how over and over again Hosea's wife cheated on him, left him, hurt him, but he never stopped loving her and pursuing her. God is just the same way with us. He wants our hearts to be pure and unblemished, to wait for His perfect mate for us as if we are waiting for Jesus himself. Sometimes we are going to sin and run away from him, but He will never give up, he will chase us to the ends of the earth. I finally realized that everything that I long for, someone to love me unconditionally, to chase after me, to make me feel wanted and adored, Jesus already does, He is the only man who can perfectly fill my emotional needs. He is the only one who will never let me down or disappoint me. He is the perfect man and he is MINE!
I have a new perspective now. I am not just "obeying" God's rules about purity and singleness. I am being faithful to my heavenly fiancé, Jesus, until he gives my heart to his earthly counter-part. I am relishing the time I get to spend with Him without the distraction of another man. My love for Him increases everyday as He shows me in the Word, or the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit, or the beauty of His creation, or even the gifts of His blessings, how much He completely adores me. I have finally found the contentment I have been searching for the last few months. It is in my Lord's arms, and there, I am home.
Romans 8:35-39
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
